Rhythm x Thoughts

It’s been interesting to me the amount of people who have told me, “well he’s got that good job and travel benefits. He’s a good one.” Does that make me not a good one? Does that mean I am less than because I can’t fly you out with me when I visit my best friend in California? Or am I not as qualified of a partner because my credit card limit is lower? My greatest question was, who is telling him that I too, am a good one? My baggage is minimal, clean bill of health, secure and stable job with excellent medical benefits. Tenacious. Family oriented and an achiever and seeker of my dreams. Yet, for all the time I spent taking notes in undergrad, deciding to finish when my father passed away with only one semester left for me to complete, and co-founding an organization that still thrives on my alma mater campus today: I am constantly reduced to being no more than what man has found me. I decided to pursue a graduate degree, bought my own car, pay my bills (mostly) on time - basically I am for all intents and purposes succeeding at adulting. He knows he has a great career, a career that will most certainly see him through the next 25 years easily. What woman wouldn’t want a man like that? Anyone would. What man in his position wouldn’t want a woman who was holding him down the same way he holds that job down? A woman who has proven she is capable of taking care of her own, has her own accolades she brings to the table, and has the vocabulary to prove it. She’s strong, she’s sensitive, well versed, loving, trustworthy, and supportive.

Perhaps this woman is not who you need right now though. Maybe you desire a jump off, or a woman with a little less use of her thought processor and a lot more bullshit accepter. Maybe her knowledge of government systems, foiled battles, and centrifuge detection in Iran are intimidating to you. Or maybe, the love she has to give is too thorough, too strong and it’s not a language you desire to learn. You don’t deserve her. She knows it, and because she’s an empath and self-aware; she knows that you know she’s aware. I have had men tell me they are attracted to me and would pursue the attraction if they were about the right. “I gotta have my ducks in a row to come to you, and I have too much bs still going on.” Thank you. Thank you for saving yourself and me the time and the trouble, it’s refreshing and disappointing only because you appreciate the honesty yet you know it means more time alone. Which is not to say alone time is the worst thing, it’s not. There are moments however when your innate desire for a partner causes a dust up and you are left wondering “am I truly good enough? If I am, why am I still waiting?” Who knows, and do not let yourself dwell there. It is cliché as hell but what is for you will come to you. I have to remind myself of this often and it doesn’t make it hurt less, it’s just a reminder that the hurt won’t be there forever.

I cannot let you disrespect me, your words are like knives when they should be a shawl to the winter wind. I stayed around when the first hints of it came, because each time you came back with a better plan and seemingly more affectionate than the last time. You praised my intelligence and my independence, applauded my insight and my aspirations. There is a song by Jill Scott titled “Love Rain”, Insert that here. “He was brown, deep/Said he wanted to talk about my mission/listen to my past lives/Took me on long walks to places where butterflies rest easy/talked about Moses and Mumia, reparations, blue colors, memories of shell top adidas/he was fresh/like summer peaches/sweet on my mind like block parties and penny candy/us was nice and warm/no jacket, no umbrella, just warm”...

Just because you haven’t spoken, or don’t speak my love language doesn’t mean you get to pretend it is not important. I appreciate everything he taught me, every conversation and every lesson that came with knowing you. I learned that it is possible to function healthily in a relationship and two people can actually get along and care without drama. So thank you, for giving me a renewed spirit of affection. There will always be a special place reserved for you in my heart, because you showed me I still had one.

#relationships #love #patience #boyfriends #friendship #hope